Memories (Star Trek: TOS story by Deborah Cummins)

Fanfiction
Title:	Memories
Author(s):	Debbie Cummins
Date(s):	1988
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:	Memories, Side by Side Collection on AO3
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Memories is a K/S story by Debbie Cummins.

It was published in Charisma #3 and subsequently online in Side by Side #21.

From the author in 2010:

I've written quite a few stories but this one has always been my favorite (well, one of my favorites).

Summary

"An aged McCoy awaits a visit from his old friend, Spock, and remembers fondly his two dearest friends in this story about friendship, death and love."

Reactions and Reviews

1989

I have to say right off the bat that I didn't like this story. It has nothing to do with the writing which is smooth and concise. It's the basic idea of McCoy carrying such a load of guilt that puts me off. First of all, he's a doctor and would have seen death all too often - I doubt he'd feel such guilt for a situation as beyond his control as Spock's death as described in this story. Also, I think we saw in "The Immunity Syndrome" that McCoy learned his lesson about refusing to allow expression to his feelings for Spock. Would Spock have been able to show such genuine caring for McCoy in "The Empath" and "For the World is Hollow" if there were not a strong friendship and understanding between them? I think perhaps the basic idea that McCoy is a sensitive and overly compassionate man has been taken just a bit too far in this one.

1997

There’s another category of unhappy stories, represented by Memories by Debbie Cummins, in Charisma 3, where McCoy is in a hospital, awaiting a visit from Spock, many years after the five year mission. Kirk is long dead. McCoy tells Spock that Jim loved him, even if the captain didn’t show it, and Spock replies that they had been secret bondmates for 20 years when Kirk died, thus assuaging McCoy’s responsibility over the Vulcan’s perceived unhappiness. But then it’s revealed that all of this is McCoy’s hallucination, that he’s in a facility for the insane, and that he’d been forced to watch, helplessly, while Spock bled to death while he remained trapped under fallen debris. This is a really sad story, it’s a masochistic joy to read it, but re-read it I occasionally do.

2000

I've really enjoyed this writer's work but I think this has got to be the one that affected me the most. After I quit crying I figured that this would be the perfect story for my first LOC. It starts with McCoy, old and infirm, living out his days in a nursing home. He's waiting for Spock who visits him once a year. He's late. So while he waits, McCoy thinks back on their lives, of Jim's death years before, of Spock's frantic efforts to resuscitate Jim and then of Spock's withdrawal into himself once Jim was gone. He thinks of all of Spock's accomplishments after he went back to Vulcan to work at the VSA. He wonders if Jim ever told Spock that he loved him. Realizing that he is speaking out loud, he turns his thoughts to why his friend is late. At that point, Spock shows up.

Spock and McCoy begin talking about their lives, about love, about Jim. McCoy learns that Spock and Jim had indeed spoken of their love, had been lovers, had been bonded. That Jim had recorded a message for McCoy the day before the accident that took his life telling McCoy of that love. Feeling that he is "treading on sacred ground," McCoy changes the subject and they begin talking about how they used to tease each other. He realizes just how much he must have hurt Spock with some of his verbal jabs and asks for forgiveness. Tiring, he asks Spock to stay the night and keep him company. Spock answers that he will stay as long as McCoy wishes.

The scene changes and now you see a young woman talking to an intern. She's been monitoring McCoy from her station, watching him talk to himself a s he does almost every day. Spock is dead. Years before he and McCoy had been on a diplomatic mission. There was an explosion and he and Spock were trapped under the debris. McCoy had watched as Spock bled to death, unable to reach him. All these years he had carried the guilt, unable to forgive himself.

Old and alone, he retreats into this fantasy, trying to atone for his treatment of Spock and for not being able to save him. He dies that night.

So much is left unanswered. Is Jim really dead? Were Jim and Spock lovers? Is McCoy's conversation with himself every night a replay of the conversation he might have had with Spock while they were trapped and Spock slowly bled to death? I wish there had been answers. I think that's what makes this story so heartbreaking.

2008

I remember reading this quite a few years ago and being completely overwhelmed. Sorrow permeates the story and McCoy feelings of loss are almost tangible. I think not knowing how much of his memory is true and how much is wishful thinking only adds to the power of the story.

2009

Wow. This one kicked my arse. I've come to expect well-written, gut-wrenching stories from this author -- as a fan of such things, here's another. Damn. So sad... and yet, is it really? Think about it. I don't want to make this a spoiler, but I'll say, I don't agree with the nurse at the end. Sometimes it's better this way. Anyway, bravo author, bravo!

2010

I have read a bajillion fics. I have read a bajillion angsty fics. Never before have I actually cried. I am practically bawling right now. That was just too much. Ho-ly crap. I don't know what to say. I am speechless. There you go. You have rendered me quite speechless. Pardon me now, while I go an sob myself to sleep.

I don't think I've often been so utterly heart-broken. That's quite a punch to the gut... great writing. Great impact, too. I'll now go lick my wounds... thank you for reminding me how we can feel sometimes.

2015

Oh, my! I couldn't say that I enjoyed that, but it was very well done.

2017

That was probably the best story I have ever read. It was very emotional and had a deep meaning for me. I love the style of writing, the seriousness you went on the story. I love it when someone takes the characters serious and doesn't make fun of them, leaves them the pride, especially Spock, shows the relationship with respect for all parties. I actually don't write reviews because I don't know what to say, but this one really stirred my heart. I still have the pictures of the old men before my inner eye. I wrote a story about Kirk dying, what got good feedback, but nothing can top this one. I love it and I am glad that I found it.

2020

This is incredibly powerful writing. To find out that McCoy's apologies to Spock and the yearly visits were all in McCoy's head was heartbreaking, made me cry quite a bit. This is definitely one of my favourite fanfics.