Resolutions of a Star Wars Mary Sue
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| Title: | Resolutions of a Star Wars Mary Sue |
| Creator: | Janet MacLellan, illustrated by Anne Davenport |
| Date(s): | 1984 |
| Medium: | |
| Fandom: | Star Wars |
| Topic: | |
| External Links: | |
| Click here for related articles on Fanlore. | |
Resolutions of a Star Wars Mary Sue is a list by Janet MacLellan, illustrated by Anne Davenport.
It was printed in Kessel Run #4 in 1984.
It operates as a proto-Mary Sue Litmus Test.
"This year in order to reduce the inevitable nausea suffered by my readers whenever they encounter me, I am making the following resolutions..."
The List
I will not be involved in daring rescues of any kind.
I will not hate the Imperials for what they did to my parents.
I will not save the Rebel Alliance single-handedly.
I will not lose my virginity to one or both of a certain pair of charismatic Rebels we all all know and love.
I will not be related to any major character.
I will not, under any circumstances, have long silver hair.
At no time will a certain Corellian pirate look at me as if I am not wearing any clothes, nor will he be lounging with his feet up on a table when he doesn't do the above.
Furthermore, when I wish to conveniently remove said pirate from a scene, it will be for a purpose other than "checking the Falcon."
Not once will I refer to Luke Skywalker as "naive" or "idealistic."
I will not have the Force.
I will, occasionally, urinate. I will also eat. I will remember these needs when I'm imprisoned with a handsome Rebel of the opposite sex for days and weeks on end.
When describing scenes of passion, I will remember that Harlequin romances are not my only source of inspiration.
I will never be found in "a dim cantina, frequented by disreputable types of all forms."
I will not be a Corellian. Nor will I be a Jedi.
I will refrain from describing Princess Leia as being "jealous", "cold" or "hiding her emotions."
I will remember the existence of Artoo and Threepio.
I will not be unofficially included in a Rebel war council.
I most emphatically will not be tortured or trashed in any way. NEITHER WILL HAN! The poor man's suffered enough already. Nor will any close friend whose pain I feel more acutely than my own, as I watch his handsome face contorted in agony, through eyes blinded by tears.
I will not have anyone important after me, and I will not be willing to do anything to escape from them.
I will not have to repay any favors.
Faced with impossible odds, I will at least consider retreat.
I will not fall in love (or in lust) with anyone.
I will not be the "second-best shot" or the "second-best pilot in the galaxy" (after you-know-who.)
When translating Wookiee, I will not restrict my alphabet to the letters a,g,h,r,n,w or and the occasional 1 or f.
I WILL NEVER AT ANY TIME, IN ANY WAY MEET DARTH VADER! and if I do, I will run.